24
May
17

free enough

I make myself sit at the piano now and then. It is not so bad. Make myself try to play your song again. I sing along. I let me fingers move and listen to know if I’m still angry.

Turns out I am. I am after all. After all these years.  I am still mad, at us, at myself, at you. I am still a little broken and I remember that desperate longing, insisting on lingering. And that is okay.

I still write to you now and then.  Mostly in my head. Much less than I think about. Sometimes, every once a year, maybe I send a one sentence e-mail. There is never a response. You used to write every once a year too.

You don’t anymore. And that is okay too.

I am free enough and my days are mostly full. I am free enough and that will have to do.

I am free enough. Are you?

 

PS. It is all still here.

09
Oct
11

soar

what i hope for is that you can let go of something and it will open your life up slowly, it can be that trigger…and you can have your whole life back in that one small move, petal by petal.  like i can feel that now, with him out of my life, that maybe my life now can finally have some room to bloom.

i am done with blaming and taking blame.  i cannot even really regret the angry bitter words that i said to him. because they needed to be said.  because he never heard them when he should have.  i will always be sorry to have hurt him but i just cannot seem to care anymore.

i do not know how that happens.  i do not know how you can care, and care, and care.  and care till your heart hurts, and care till you cry night after night deep down in your soul, and care so that you are proclaiming your love, until you are carrying your caring right onto the edge of your caring,  kicking and screaming, clinging onto it with all your being for as long as you can. look at how much i care and care and care.

and then snap, in one blinking moment, you become just…unable to care anymore.

i just cannot do it anymore.  i am done.

i know he is done too, in his own way. or i can only hope.  it makes sense that it should happen like this. it makes sense that we could never truly understand the other.  it makes sense that he thinks of me much the same things i think of him. we have always been two hurt, broken people dragging each other down. we have always been on the opposite sides of the same spinning coin.  i have just stopped waiting to see where that coin will fall.

god knows i wish him the best, more than the best.  i wish him change and i wish him peace. i just do not care for it to be with me.  it simply cannot be.

i am hoping now that i can soar.  i am hoping he can too though it is no longer in me to watch him do it or not do it. i have no more tender words for him, they have been squeezed all out of me day after day of trying.

i’ve hit the air now, this is actually happening.  i have never struggled so hard with something and i am sure it is not smooth flight just yet.  but now that i’ve made it here it feels easy. i’ve done it and this is going to be so much easier than i thought it would be.

i do not mean to be callous.  i’ve done my mourning over and over and i’ve tried with everything i could.  truth be told all i can feel now is that my heart is singing and i’m free.

25
Aug
11

that i would be good

we are still in limbo. i still get angry, ecstatic. i am still cynical, stll hoping. i am still in love, still dreaming. it is like this in every area of my life.

in the crowded bus on the way home from school, i catch myself smiling to myself for no reason and i shiver, but in a good way.

have you ever felt, if even for a moment, happiness about to settle on your shoulders, as sure as dust sinks slowly down after the rain? there are no proper words to describe this, or none that i can find. so i will defer graciously to alanis. yes, alanis.

i think that i would be good, even if….

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

05
Jul
11

wound

I am always surprised by how physical emotional pain can be. I tend to feel it in my stomach region. Like right now it feels something like a deep gash rent across my abdomen. It’s gaping open and noone can see it.

We’ve said goodbye. It was very gentle and caring. We were both understanding. If there was any recrimination it was slight. We held hands, hugged and took turns crying back and forth. It was very hard to get out of his car.

I cannot write any more about this right now.

03
Jul
11

what i feel…

…is not real.

I am going to see him. I am going through the motions.

Shame on me.

24
Jun
11

i cracked

you refused my letter of resignation
dooming me to a life of doting.

i’m going to rest my head right
on your sun-speckled chest
and pretend we’re in this together

19
Jun
11

a good cry

it seems i am crying a lot lately. but it is weird because it feels okay between the cries. mostly.

what i realized is i am mourning the end of this relationship. i have been for some time.

now if only it would end.

this has been the longest, messiest, most wearisome break-up of my life. so long and messy and wearisome that i still hesitate and don’t want to call it a ‘break-up’

sigh.

double sigh.

part of what i hate is , what am i even breaking up from anyways? what am i mourning? the things that never occured. if i think about that, that makes this relationship in a sense, nothing but one long grievance.isn’t that really all it has been?

the soul yearns for connection. it is like nourishment. it is my passion. but i seem to yearn for a connection with men especially. even when i connect with so many people on so many levels, i need an intimacy closer than that. and i needed it from him especially so badly. his briefest glance at me could thrill that desire i had for his intimacy. it would keep me hooked on my hope.

i fight and i fight and i fight him in my head, fight his life, his choices. sometimes, more often these days, i say it out loud too. but what am i fighting for? what am i trying to fix?

him?

i can’t.

clearly.

the soul yearns for connection….feeling so remote from any connection to him tonight i felt a whole lot of pain.. and something inside me said, it’s okay, you can let it go. you can let this go, now.

it surprised me this voice, soothing me like this. and instead of feeling fear or panic like i did before, i felt a deep sadness come over me and i started to cry. and what was odd was that even while i was crying i was thinking what a good cry this was. it was overwhelmingly good to cry. all my cries before had been anger, frustration, emptiness, resistance. trying so desperately to understand, to make this experience worthwhile.. but this was just release, of this knot of pain i have been holding inside for months.

i am feeling a lot of sadness, a lot of regret, a lot of loss. it is overwhelming. i cannot move on until i can believe truly that i will have the strength to get through this regret.

so that i can feel this all over again, for real now, and then be done with feeling like this.




Longing is the core of mystery.
Longing itself brings the cure.
The only rule is, suffer the pain.
Your desires must be disciplined
And what you want to happen in time,
sacrificed.
~Rumi

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