free enough

I make myself sit at the piano now and then. It is not so bad. Make myself try to play your song again. I sing along. I let me fingers move and listen to know if I’m still angry.

Turns out I am. I am after all. After all these years.  I am still mad, at us, at myself, at you. I am still a little broken and I remember that desperate longing, insisting on lingering. And that is okay.

I still write to you now and then.  Mostly in my head. Much less than I think about. Sometimes, every once a year, maybe I send a one sentence e-mail. There is never a response. You used to write every once a year too.

You don’t anymore. And that is okay too.

I am free enough and my days are mostly full. I am free enough and that will have to do.

I am free enough. Are you?

 

PS. It is all still here.

soar

what i hope for is that you can let go of something and it will open your life up slowly, it can be that trigger…and you can have your whole life back in that one small move, petal by petal.  like i can feel that now, with him out of my life, that maybe my life now can finally have some room to bloom.

i am done with blaming and taking blame.  i cannot even really regret the angry bitter words that i said to him. because they needed to be said.  because he never heard them when he should have.  i will always be sorry to have hurt him but i just cannot seem to care anymore.

i do not know how that happens.  i do not know how you can care, and care, and care.  and care till your heart hurts, and care till you cry night after night deep down in your soul, and care so that you are proclaiming your love, until you are carrying your caring right onto the edge of your caring,  kicking and screaming, clinging onto it with all your being for as long as you can. look at how much i care and care and care.

and then snap, in one blinking moment, you become just…unable to care anymore.

i just cannot do it anymore.  i am done.

i know he is done too, in his own way. or i can only hope.  it makes sense that it should happen like this. it makes sense that we could never truly understand the other.  it makes sense that he thinks of me much the same things i think of him. we have always been two hurt, broken people dragging each other down. we have always been on the opposite sides of the same spinning coin.  i have just stopped waiting to see where that coin will fall.

god knows i wish him the best, more than the best.  i wish him change and i wish him peace. i just do not care for it to be with me.  it simply cannot be.

i am hoping now that i can soar.  i am hoping he can too though it is no longer in me to watch him do it or not do it. i have no more tender words for him, they have been squeezed all out of me day after day of trying.

i’ve hit the air now, this is actually happening.  i have never struggled so hard with something and i am sure it is not smooth flight just yet.  but now that i’ve made it here it feels easy. i’ve done it and this is going to be so much easier than i thought it would be.

i do not mean to be callous.  i’ve done my mourning over and over and i’ve tried with everything i could.  truth be told all i can feel now is that my heart is singing and i’m free.

that i would be good

we are still in limbo. i still get angry, ecstatic. i am still cynical, stll hoping. i am still in love, still dreaming. it is like this in every area of my life.

in the crowded bus on the way home from school, i catch myself smiling to myself for no reason and i shiver, but in a good way.

have you ever felt, if even for a moment, happiness about to settle on your shoulders, as sure as dust sinks slowly down after the rain? there are no proper words to describe this, or none that i can find. so i will defer graciously to alanis. yes, alanis.

i think that i would be good, even if….

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

wound

I am always surprised by how physical emotional pain can be. I tend to feel it in my stomach region. Like right now it feels something like a deep gash rent across my abdomen. It’s gaping open and noone can see it.

We’ve said goodbye. It was very gentle and caring. We were both understanding. If there was any recrimination it was slight. We held hands, hugged and took turns crying back and forth. It was very hard to get out of his car.

I cannot write any more about this right now.

what i feel…

…is not real.

I am going to see him. I am going through the motions.

Shame on me.

i cracked

you refused my letter of resignation
dooming me to a life of doting.

i’m going to rest my head right
on your sun-speckled chest
and pretend we’re in this together

a good cry

it seems i am crying a lot lately. but it is weird because it feels okay between the cries. mostly.

what i realized is i am mourning the end of this relationship. i have been for some time.

now if only it would end.

this has been the longest, messiest, most wearisome break-up of my life. so long and messy and wearisome that i still hesitate and don’t want to call it a ‘break-up’

sigh.

double sigh.

part of what i hate is , what am i even breaking up from anyways? what am i mourning? the things that never occured. if i think about that, that makes this relationship in a sense, nothing but one long grievance.isn’t that really all it has been?

the soul yearns for connection. it is like nourishment. it is my passion. but i seem to yearn for a connection with men especially. even when i connect with so many people on so many levels, i need an intimacy closer than that. and i needed it from him especially so badly. his briefest glance at me could thrill that desire i had for his intimacy. it would keep me hooked on my hope.

i fight and i fight and i fight him in my head, fight his life, his choices. sometimes, more often these days, i say it out loud too. but what am i fighting for? what am i trying to fix?

him?

i can’t.

clearly.

the soul yearns for connection….feeling so remote from any connection to him tonight i felt a whole lot of pain.. and something inside me said, it’s okay, you can let it go. you can let this go, now.

it surprised me this voice, soothing me like this. and instead of feeling fear or panic like i did before, i felt a deep sadness come over me and i started to cry. and what was odd was that even while i was crying i was thinking what a good cry this was. it was overwhelmingly good to cry. all my cries before had been anger, frustration, emptiness, resistance. trying so desperately to understand, to make this experience worthwhile.. but this was just release, of this knot of pain i have been holding inside for months.

i am feeling a lot of sadness, a lot of regret, a lot of loss. it is overwhelming. i cannot move on until i can believe truly that i will have the strength to get through this regret.

so that i can feel this all over again, for real now, and then be done with feeling like this.

i must be a big girl…

…. and take care of myself now. everything is in the air and i must hold myself up now and do what needs to be done. i must take this step, understand why it needs to be taken, and truly feel it in my heart.

i must grow up now. be realistic. throw away the stars and throw away the razors too. i must let go of the idea of us and embrace the reality of what we have truly become. and decide what needs to be done.

and i must be strong when faced with him. even when he tells me he will never let me go.

and i must say…

and i must say…

is this love?

no it’s pain.

the key

i’m upset. this will be disjointed.
i started to think of what i will do with my life if he left it. there was this shot of fear and i started crying so hard. again.
this morning, we fought, again. and he left, completely disappeared, without a word. this is believe it or not the first time this has happened while arguing. he will usually say he has to go, or that he doesn’t want to talk before he leaves. or if he goes abruptly or if i go one of us reaches out couple of minutes later and we talk it out.
but it all started because i woke up this morning and asked if he was around and he said yes, but with a girl.. a girl i don’t like. a girl he keeps wanting me to meet. it appears he had taken this girl with him on his trip.
i didn’t like this. and i thought on a note seemingly unrelated: “6 years with a man who couldn’t bear to put his lips on mine”
and i wanted to say that to him and i wanted to say: what is it in me you find so repulsive??
but i thought: what is the point? and i thought, if you knew the answer to this, what would you do anyways? leave. right…. leave.
still i thought, jealously, of all the girls he’s kissed. and if he kissed her.
and it hurt, and i couldn’t cry, it was just this dry stale loaf of bread sitting down my throat, in my lungs. i hugged my pillow tighter and tighter, willing my thoughts to stop. they wouldn’t.
so i texted instead: this hurts. all the time. can’t do this.
and it was more just goading him at this point. a spit-ball thrown his way. testing this. testing if i can do this, end this.
so freaking weak.
i was thinking already how could i end this, what of all the plans, what of the promises not to leave, what of this summer, what of the sweetness, what about caring, what about all of this? weren’t we working this through? how?
so he answered back some time later asking what hurts. and saying if it’s the girl, he hates her right now. and he is just trying to get through the day.
and i thought this funny, cause i’ve been meaning to tell him how i don’t like this girl and why. and i felt reassured and hated myself for feeling reassured. and i told myself sternly: you know, he can say what he wants, you know this doesn’t work, either way. this doesn’t work but what will we do?
(but i wanted to say too: so the next time you want all 3 of us to meet together for coffee, for your sexual thrills, for your stroked ego: can i mention this to her in conversation- what you just said about hating her? and what you said in the past about not caring about her. and about being a sexual rut with her. will she like hearing that? just like you say she will like seeing how much i care.
will she like seeing how much you care? do you care? will you show it?
is it any wonder why i refuse to do this? meet with these girls you talk about. why it will never be open sharing across a table. because it’s fucked right from the set-up.
and i’m sorry but who knows what you say to them about me?)
but i said sorry because i didn’t want him hurt and i just willed it all to disappear. i needed to stop but i couldn’t. i could just throw away my phone perhaps.
and then half an hour later again this message: do you need me to start sheltering you/lie to you?
and this made me snap, this lack of courage. these shortcuts. this excuse he makes for why he lies. he gets “forced” into deception by our (all women collectively) lack of understanding. it is his constant threat: deal with your feelings properly or else, you will be cut off from knowing me.
so i said, in answer to his question: yes, and you could start by telling me how deeply you love me.
and that was that.
what a horrible thing to say. sarcastic. bitter. what a dead-end.
he never responded. i wonder if he is ok. i wonder if he cares.
i was listening to ‘turning tables’ and i started to cry so hard. i’m still crying a little.
i wonder what i will do. is it time yet to end this? isn’t it time far past? how could it ever be time?
i say i found peace inside, and i can feel it, even now. but i can feel him somewhere in that too. and wonder what is it about him that still feels like he holds some key…. to what holds me together, and what breaks me completely apart.