resistance is..

fruitful?

So I’m trying to imagine it like a bank I need to put money into, this resistance. If I put pressure on myself to not call, it just turns into stress and too much focus on not calling, and my day gets absorbed with him this way, as much as it might if I had been in contact.

I keep replaying in my head how I want, how he wants, how hard this is, how burning and hard and almost, good it feels to want like this.

But that’s no good. That’s just back to the beginning again.

So I’ve been telling myself instead that yes, yes, I will call, don’t worry. Soothe, shh. But I need to put in my time first, desposit some resistance in the bank. I will call, but not right now, in an hour or so.

Or in a day or a week.

Hoping all these tiny drops of resistance will build up and slowly drift me away.

irresistibility

i came with him just now, over chat though. well actually he came, i did not. he wanted me to call but i didn’t want to. he’s given me a time to call now if i want to, while he’s in the car, but i’m just going to cum on my own and go to bed.

this is me, slowly showing resistance. we haven’t talked on phone in a week. it helped that he was away or busy or whatever most of this week. but even when he suggested times to call i just ignored.

what i’m afraid of is getting some kind of satisfaction from resisting him, like some twisted form of ‘showing him up’ if i let my most evil side speak it would say: good, suffer a bit, want me a bit. wonder a bit, if i really need you or not.

but listening to that voice would mean that all i really care about is if he wants me or not, which would mean i’m just as trapped as before. in the past, attempts like this to be free of each other have ended in fiery mutual phone cums. that would make all this just another game, a way to change things up now and then.

but the good side of me knows he’s just a man in the end, a man who wants and wants to be wanted. i still love him and don’t actually want to hurt him or play games. i just need a break from all that drama and heartbreak and pain.

that part of this week has felt good. there is less momentary joy, but i am also free from the poison of lingering agony. it has been like a space cleared, a moment to breathe. this is what i am trying to focus on.

a part of me wishes we could just get into a routine where we call and cum once a week. that is all. i could keep him in my life without the breakdowns and crying. why can’t it be that simple?

there are things i miss though, things i can’t get from him. there is more to life than hard orgasm. that is what he doesn’t understand sometimes, that i don’t seek out other experiences or avoid him because of any lack in my cums. it’s just that cums don’t seem so important anymore.

one thing i miss is that sensation where you can’t keep your hands off each other. when you are insatiable mutually. when he pulls you towards him in the middle of a conversation and he is hard all the time and you melt wet instantly and you lose sleep to fuck and your bodies are aching from motion and friction.

and you finally sleep and you wake him and his cock at the same time, and he is ready, quickly, just for you, and next thing you know he’s inside you.

will

I will get over this addiction tear by tear if need be. I will not see these seven or so years as lost but as something I had that was worth having at the time. Just something that is no longer for me. I will remember this is better for me and him. I will let myself feel the pain and emptiness. I will remember he doesn’t love me. I will not hate myself because of this. I will keep in mind that he can’t help me with this. I will let myself miss him and wish him well.
I will believe this is actually happening. I will not give in.
Right now the goal is to not call him for 2 days. That’s until Sunday night.
Can do this.
Help?